u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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