True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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