If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
