I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
