The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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