We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
