My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
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Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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