only you would photoshop your dick
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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