You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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