morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
