Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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