2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
