I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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