my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.