Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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