two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
