I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your cock deserves a montage
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
