i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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