Soap is not a condiment
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
