Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
