Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
