Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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