I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
