I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
