I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
