I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
