there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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