i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
