The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize