I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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