Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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