Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
