my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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