I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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