Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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