I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
