I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
