Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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