The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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