Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
