just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
