I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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