Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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