Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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