umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
