If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
