So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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