I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
