Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
