if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
