Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
