Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and she was petting her beer can
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
