I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
