Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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